Not About Angels
by sammyleighlee
Summary: After Sergeant Roland of Jackson Park orders a hit on the cop who set him up, Erin returns to her apartment that night - alone. AU: No Landon. 2x23 Linstead Four-Parter. 4/4.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** : While watching the finale again, I wondered – What would've happen if Landon (ugh) hadn't been in Erin's apartment that night? The two Jackson Park officers that ambushed them that night were concerned because Roland didn't say anything about dropping two bodies. Well if there was only one body – Erin's – what would've happened?

* * *

 _"How unfair, it's just our luck._  
 _We found something real that's out of touch._  
 _But if you'd searched the whole wide world,_  
 _would you dare to let it go?"_  
 _Not About Angels – Birdy  
_

* * *

 **10:46pm**

Jay Halstead was a soldier. He spent two tours in Afghanistan fighting a war for his country. He'd seen people get shot. He'd seen innocent children die. Hell, he was nearly killed when half of his unit was blown to pieces by an IED.

But none of that compared to the feeling of absolute terror he felt the second he heard the piece of shit that Voight had by the neck.

" _Some lady cop he said set him up._ "

Jay's breath catches in his throat and he swears he hears his heart stop. He immediately looks to his sergeant but is caught off guard when he sees Voight already looking right at him.

It's not that Jay hates Hank. He's good at his job and good at leading their team, so he respects him as his boss. It's just that they've never really seen eye to eye in the whole moral department. Voight's world has a lot more grey than his.

Then there's the whole 'I-Banged-Your-Daughter' situation. But he doesn't have time to get into it because Erin isn't picking up her phone.

"Halstead. With me. Antonio, take care of this," Hank says, sprinting out the door as Jay follows. It's not like him to leave that quickly without an explanation, but they all know what's at stake here.

Erin's life.

They're in the car and speeding through the night, weaving in and out of traffic. Voight calls over the radio to Atwater and Roman while Jay bounces his knee and nervously chews his thumb. Neither of them say a word; both too wrapped in their thoughts of the worst-case scenario. It leaves them in an eerie silence until Jay can't take it anymore.

"Sir," he states, staring straight ahead into the sea of red in yellow lights of the cars in the city. "Whatever you have to do in there to save her, I've got your back."

Jay knows what he's implying when he says this and he hope that Voight does. If you have to kill them, I'll help you sink them in the river. He knows it's not right but he can't find it in him to care. Because the thought of losing Erin is too much. He can't possibly breathe without her and he wouldn't be able to live without her and he-

"Thank you," Hank says quietly, cutting off his thoughts.

Jay nods once.

* * *

 **11:07pm**

When they get to the scene, Roman and Atwater are approaching an unmarked squad car. It doesn't belong to Intelligence or anyone at the 21st.

"Sarge," Atwater shouts, "It's them. It's Jackson Park."

Voight takes off running into the apartment building before Atwater can even finish. Jay follows closely behind. They take the stairs two, even three at a time and just as they reach the third floor, they hear a gunshot ring out from Erin's place. He looks to Voight and Voight looks to him, both with eyes wide for half a second.

"Erin!" Hank shouts and kicks in the door. He hears Voight fire his gun twice, shooting both Jackson Park cops in the head with terrifying precision and accuracy. But Jay can't focus on anything other than the tiny, crumpled figure on the floor.

Erin's on the ground, crimson blood pouring from her heart. He immediately kneels down beside her, his hands franticly searching for the entry point around her chest. He knows that if she was actually shot in the heart, nothing he does will make a difference, but he can't afford to think like that at the moment. The only thing that matters is her and her heart and the red, red blood.

"Oh thank God," Jay breathes out a sigh of relief. "It's her shoulder," he says to Voight, ripping his vest off and immediately pressing his hands into her left shoulder to stop the bleeding.

Hank calls it in on the radio, stepping over the bodies to the bedroom to find towels.

"Jay?" Erin asks, her chest rising and falling rapidly. Her face twists into a grimace with every movement. "The guys from Jackson Park? "

"We got them Erin," Hank says as he kneels down and pushes a towel into Jay's hands and her chest.

"Hank?" Her eyes dart over to him, tears pouring over and down her cheeks. "Daddy, it hurts," she cries.

"I know, kid," he chokes out, grabbing her hand.

Jay feels like he's intruding on a moment. There are very few things in this world that Hank Voight is afraid of, and he knows that one of them is happening before their eyes. He wants to stay with her forever. He also wants to leave them alone but he can't go anywhere. His hands are putting pressure on the bullet wound and he'd sooner die than let her bleed out. Forever it is.

Her breathing is getting more erratic as she starts crying full, aching sobs. The blood is seeping through all three of the towels Voight managed to grab and Jay thinks that he's going to lose her right here and now.

"Erin, it's okay. Breathe. Just breathe," Hank says, unknowingly calming both Erin and Jay.

"Can't. Hurts."

Someone is speaking on the radio and he thinks he hears something about the ambulance being close, but he can't concentrate on anything other than the girl before him and how it's astonishing that she's still breathtakingly beautiful even when she's bleeding out.

"The ambo is on its way, but you have to breathe," Jay reminds her.  
"I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry. I love you. Sorry. Love you," she repeats. Her eyes dart rapidly between both him and Hank as her breathing gets slower and her eyes get heavy.

"Hey, you're not going anywhere, got it?" Jay reassures her.

"That's an order, Kid." Hank adds, trying to sound stern and tough but the shake in his voice when he calls her 'kid' gives him away.

Her eyes open and close rapidly, as if she's trying to fight off the darkness. "You gonna -" she pauses to breathe in a strangled gasp, "- ground me?" She asks with a tiny smile.

"If he doesn't, I will," Jay tries to laugh, but it doesn't keep the tear in his eye from spilling over.

"I… Go... Wisconsin," she mumbles; her eyes slowly drifting shut.

"Hey. Erin." Hank says. He places his hand on her cheek to get her attention. "Erin. Stay with me okay?"

Her eyes flicker a few times before she says, "Wisconsin."

"Okay. We'll go, okay? You just have to stay with me and we'll go." Jay's sure he's almost hysterical but he doesn't care.

* * *

 **11:21pm**

The paramedics are surrounding them, quickly examining her and assessing the situation. They call out a bunch of medical terms that Jay swears he'd be able to identify if it wasn't his Erin laying there. But he can't so he steps back and watches them pack the wound and roll her onto a backboard.

He and Hank both help to lift the backboard onto the stretcher, working fast to wheel her out and into the elevator. He's not sure how long it takes, but when it finally reaches the ground floor he sprints alongside the bed and helps load her into the ambo.

"I can take one of you," the girl says, staring at him and Hank expectantly.

Jay looks to his sergeant, assuming he'd be the one to ride along. He's her father for God's sake. He expects Voight to jump into the back with her but he doesn't.

"Halstead," he places his hand on Jay's shoulder and looks him in the eyes. "Stay with her," he says calmly; dangerously even.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm taking care of Roland."

Jay nods silently and climbs up into the ambulance. He grabs onto the hand that's closest to him and sits on the bench, watching as the paramedic hooks her up to various lines and tubes.

They race through the streets of Chicago but somehow nothing is fast enough.

When they finally stop, he's not sure how much time has actually passed. So much happens in the next thirty seconds that he doesn't even realize he's out of the ambulance until they burst through the doors of Chicago Med. The one paramedic in front of the stretcher shouts something to a doctor and he hears the letters GSW, but it's all a blur of people and hands as they lead her into a trauma room.

Jay hears one of doctors ask, "Is that her partner?" He vaguely recognizes the girl, but he can't place her.

"You're Dr. Halstead's brother, right?" Jay looks up to meet the woman's eyes.

Oh yeah. That's how he knows her. His brother works at the hospital. They're in the hospital. Erin is in the hospital.

He's having trouble thinking straight and he doesn't trust his voice so he just nods several times before returning his eyes to Erin.

"April, page Dr. Halstead. Tell him his brother is here and he needs to get down here immediately."

Soon they're cutting off her clothes and connecting her to more wires and more tubes. He knows that if she were awake, she'd be thoroughly pissed and the thought of her beautiful face all scrunched up in anger almost makes him laugh. Almost.

Will flings open the door to the room, breathing heavily. "Jay? What are you-" He starts to ask, but he sees the patient on the table and it stops him from saying anything else.

"Will, please," Jay pleads to his brother, tears falling freely down his face now. "I can't lose her. I can't."

"I know," Will says gently, patting Jay on the back once before turning around to put gloves on and jump into the chaos.

The machines start beeping and alarms start going off, and all at once there seems to be a big commotion. "Someone shouts, "She's coding!"

"No!" Jay screams, hollow and broken.

"Get him out of here. He doesn't need to see this!" His brother yells.

The nurse attempts to escort him out of the room as someone says, "clear." He doesn't want to leave her; he can't leave her. But Will shouts at him again to get out and he listens. His heart is racing and there's a lump in his throat as the nurse – April was it? – takes him out into the hallway.

Jay leans against the wall and slides down it to sit on the cold tile floor. He cradles his head in his hands and cries.

* * *

 **12:02am**

The door to the room finally opens as they wheel Erin out. The team moves quickly and by the time he gets to his feet, they're already down the hallway. Jay doesn't even get a chance to see her.

"She's stable for now," Will assures him, "but we have to get up to surgery right now."

"Will..." He starts to say but his brother stops him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I'll take care of her," Will promises. "I'll let you know more as soon as I can."

Jay nods as Will takes off down the hallway in the same direction they took Erin. He's never been in more pain in his life. Not when he got injured overseas. Not even when he was shot before joining Intelligence.

This must be what dying feels like.

"Detective Halstead?" April says, pulling him from his thoughts. "Let me take you to the waiting area. Your team is already there."

The nurse takes him down the hall in the opposite direction that Will just went and leads him through the door into the waiting room. Jay takes a sweeping glance of the room as everyone from Intelligence stares back at him in shock.

Well, everyone except for Voight and Olinsky. He knows where they are and what they're doing, and he doesn't care. He silently prays for that son of a bitch, Roland, to rot in hell.

Everyone is still staring at him and he's not sure why until Ruzek approaches him.

"Hey man," Adam says quietly, "how about we head to the bathroom and you can get cleaned up?"

He looks down to his hands and notices that they're covered in blood. Erin's blood.

Oh.

It's smeared all over his arms and clothes. And some strange part of him doesn't want to ever wash it off because it could be the last piece of her he ever feels again. He wants to explain it but he can't find the words so he just shakes his head, 'no'.

Burgess comes to stand next to Ruzek in front of him, breaking his trance. Her voice is calm and steady when she speaks. "Jay, we're going to the bathroom across the hall." She commands gently, not really asking for his opinion. "Adam will stay here and he will come get us if anything happens. Okay?"

Jay can't bring himself to speak because he's absolutely sure he will burst into tears if he opens his mouth. So he says nothing and let's Burgess lead him in the direction of the bathroom.

He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He looks like he walked straight out of a horror film. His once brown shirt is almost completely stained with dark maroon. He feels like he walked straight out of a nightmare.

"Jay? Do you need help?" Kim calls from outside.

"No," he says. His voice is hoarse and it comes out a bit strangled. He tries not to focus on the fact that he's washing the last bits of Erin down the drain.

* * *

 **12:47am**

Jay is slumped over in a chair with his arms on his knees and his head in his bloodstained hands when Voight finally enters the waiting room. He hears someone discussing Erin's current condition but sits up straight when he feels someone sit down in the chair next to his.

"It's done," is all Hank says.

Jay lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding and nods. They sit in silence and wait.

* * *

x

 **A/N** : That's it. I think? I'm torn because at this point it's kind of a 'choose your own adventure' and I like that.  
ALSO: find me on Tumblr at theonlythingiknowis. tumblr .com!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** : First of all, I'd like to say Hujambo to my one reader from Tanzania! I will be visiting your beautiful country next week so please, please leave a review so I can talk to you!  
Next, this chapter was SUCH a struggle to write. It was hard not to do the same thing that's been done over and over again, so I apologize for anything that you may have seen before in another fic – but that's just kind of the reality of hospitalization. I also made it a bit choppy in the writing style, on purpose, because that's honestly how time seems to move when you're waiting in a hospital. A HUGE shout out to **HogwartsPrincess11587** , **MrsSoffer-Ackles** , and **SoFeelingTheLove** for their help on this one, as well as the rest of you that left reviews!

* * *

 _"We know full well there's just time._  
 _So is it wrong to dance this line?_  
 _If your heart was full of love,_  
 _Could you give it up?"  
Not About Angels - Birdy_

* * *

 **3:19am**

Jay's been watching the clock for over two hours now. He feels like he's stuck in a time warp. Everything is moving entirely too fast and too slow at the same time.

It's been two hours and he still hasn't heard from Will.

Burgess is on the couch, asleep on Ruzek's shoulder. Platt and Olinsky are sitting in chairs. Mouse nervously bounces his knee from his chair on the other side of the room. Antonio is talking on his phone in the hallway. Atwater and Roman are leaning against the wall.

Everyone has changed positions several times. Everyone except for Hank and Jay. Neither of them have moved from their chairs facing the door in two hours. Neither of them have spoken in two hours.

He hears Antonio come back into the room. "Does anyone want anything from the vending machines?" He asks, breaking the silence.

Various answers come from the room, but two stay silent.

"Voight? Halstead?"

They both shake their heads. Jay can't even think of food right now. His stomach is in knots and his heart is pounding in his throat. The only thing he can concentrate on is the tick of the second hand as it moves around the clock.

* * *

 **3:57am**

He sees Will approaching the waiting room through the glass and immediately stands up. Voight looks up at him, noticing his brother, and joins him.

Jay nearly has a heart attack in the six seconds it takes for his brother to get to him.

"Erin is okay," Will begins.

Jay nearly cries tears of happiness as he lets out a sigh of relief.

Will takes his scrub cap from his head and shoves it into his pocket. "The bullet missed the Carotid Artery by an inch, but it nicked the Subclavian Artery in her shoulder. It took us a while to get the bleeding under control."

"But she's okay?" Hank clarifies.

"She's stable. Her lung collapsed, so she's on a respirator for now. We're going to keep Erin under for the few hours or so to allow her body time to heal."

Jay immediately wraps his arms around his brother, pulling him into a hug because he can't find the words to say ' _I'm eternally grateful that you saved the love of my life_.'

"Thank you," Voight says quietly as he shakes his brothers' hand.

Will simply nods once. "She's not out of the woods yet. We have every reason to be optimistic, but at this point – it's up to her."

The room is silent as everyone digests the new information. Everyone understands the hidden meaning in Will's words: _it could go either way_.

Sensing the tension, Will continues. "Erin will be asleep through the night. So I'd recommend you all go home and get some rest."

The group that had accumulated through the night begrudgingly makes their way to the exit. Goodnight and goodbye is exchanged until finally it's just him and Voight left in the waiting room.

Jay sits down in a chair next the door and leans his head against the wall, closing his eyes.

"Halstead, go home. Get some sleep," Hank orders.

He opens his eyes because there's absolutely no possible way he would fall asleep if he went home. There's no way in hell he could leave her. "All due respect, Sarge, I think I'm going to stay here."

His sergeant is sizing him up; arms crossed and eyes narrowed. He's only slightly convinced that Voight is going to drag him out of the hospital in a body bag, when he sits down in the chair across from him.

"Okay."

* * *

 **5:22am**

"Halstead," a gruff voice yells. He didn't even realize that he had fallen asleep until the nuisance pulls him from sleep.

"What?" He opens his eyes to see not just Voight across from him, but also Will. "What's going on?"

His heart is racing and he cant breathe because he's sure they're about to tell him Erin is gone.

Their previously smug smiles fall when they realize he's genuinely terrified something is wrong with Erin.

"Erin's fine," Will reassures him. "I was just telling Sergeant Voight here about how you snored until you got your tonsils out when you were five."

Jay rubs the sleep from his eyes, glaring daggers at his brother. "Is there a particular reason you're here Will? Or are you just here to talk to my boss."

"Actually, I'm here to talk to both of you. Erin's out of recovery and should have a room pretty soon. They're moving her to the Intensive Care Unit as a precaution, but there's no reason to worry."

Jay nods. He'd forgotten where he was and why he was here for half a second.

"Normally," Will starts, "visiting hours are non-negotiable, but I managed to pull a few strings with the nurses on the 4th floor. You'll have about thirty minutes, but it's better than nothing. I'll take you there now."

They stand up to follow Will up to the ICU but before they head to the elevators, Voight stops them.

"Thank you," Hank says in a rare emotional moment, clapping his brother on the back. "For everything."

* * *

 **5:48am**

Will leaves him and Hank standing in front of room 404, promising to return when their time is up. They're both silent as they watch his brother return to the nurses desk.

Jay nods to Voight. "You can go in first."

"Don't be ridiculous, Halstead. We've only got thirty minutes," Hank says as he pushes the door open.

Initially, he swears that they've got the wrong room. The tiny, fragile figure in the bed before him cannot be her. But as he gets closer, his breath catches in his throat and he knows that it's Erin.

There are various tubes and wires and lines going in and out of her. The only sounds in the room are the machine breathing for her and the steady beat of her heart. Her face is pale and her hair is matted, but it's her and he thinks she's beautiful. Voight takes her hand in his, but Jay's afraid if he touches her she might shatter into a million pieces so he sits in the chair on the other side of the bed. He watches the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest and counts the beats of her heart.

 _1, 2, 3…_

 _25, 26, 27…_

 _49, 50, 51…_

"So what's in Wisconsin?"

"Huh?" Jay is pulled from counting her heartbeats.

Hank is sitting in the chair across from him, still holding Erin's hand. "Back at the apartment, she said something about Wisconsin."

"Oh, that," Jay nods, trying to figure out how to explain it. He wants to say that he's madly in love with this girl and wants to retire to the little cabin on the river with her when they're old and gray, but something tells him that his sergeant won't like hearing that. "I told Lindsay about my grandfather's cabin. It's an actual log cabin from the twenties. It's nice, but the catch is: it's in Northern Wisconsin."

"She hates Wisconsin."

"Oh, trust me," he laughs. "She made that very clear. She went on and on about how much she hates the smell of cheese curds and the Packers."

They both laugh at that, remembering fondly Erin's unwavering love for the Chicago Bears.

"My wife took her shopping up in Kenosha for her sixteenth birthday," Voight smiles and meets his eyes. "I mean, the outlet mall is just on the other side of the Illinois border, but Erin had to talk shit about the Packers the entire time. She almost got into a fight with a 43 year-old man."

Jay laughs because he believes it and can totally see that happening.

"She probably would've won, too. Kid didn't know when to back down," Hank shakes his head.

"She's a fighter."

* * *

 **7:02am**

Will lets them stay with Erin lot longer than they're probably allowed, but when the next shift of nurses and doctors rotate in, he takes them to the small family waiting room at the front of the hall.

"I'm gonna go call Justin," Voight says, pointing to the doors of the ICU. "Let him know what's going on."

Will and Jay both nod and enter the family room.

"How are you doing?" Will asks quietly, concern spreading across his face.

How is he doing? He can't sleep. He can't eat. He can't breathe without her.

He's pretty sure he's dying.

"I'll be better once Erin wakes up."

And it's true. When she wakes up he won't feel like his world is ending. When she wakes up, he'll be whole again.

"I'm doing everything I can," Will says sincerely. "I won't lie to you and say that everything is going to be okay, but I'm not letting her go anywhere without a fight."

"Thank you," he chokes out, feeling overwhelmed with emotion because his brother knows exactly how he feels about this girl. "Seriously, man. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here."

Will nods and pats him on the shoulder and Jay is thankful he's not calling attention to the tears forming in his eyes. "The meds will start to wear off later this afternoon. After that, it's up to her."

* * *

 **8:41am**

Jay's asleep on a couch in the family room when he's woken up by a loud commotion in the hallway.

"Where the hell is she?" The shrill voice in the hall shouts.

He whips around to find Hank sitting in a chair with his chin in his hands.

"Is that…?" Jay asks.

"God, I hope not," Voight says, standing up and marching into the hallway.

He follows to see Erin's mother – if she could even call herself that – screaming at a young girl at the nurses' station. "What do you mean I'm not listed? I'm her mother!"

"I'm sorry ma'am," the nurse replies, "but only family is allowed in the Intensive Care Unit unless approved. You're not listed in her file as the mother - Camille Voight is."

"That's impossible," Bunny replies, finally catching sight of Hank Voight approaching her in the hallway. "Well if family is only allowed in, what are they doing here?"

"It says here that Detective Halstead is Miss Lindsay's husband," the nurse reads from the file.

"Partner," Hank clarifies, glaring at Jay.

"I'm sorry, I thought that's what it meant. I'll fix that now," she nervously scribbles in the file.

Jay raises his hands in surrender as if to say, ' _I had nothing to do with this_.'

The nurse continues reading. "And Sergeant Voight is listed as Miss Lindsay's father."

"What the hell did you do?" Bunny shouts at Hank.

"I didn't do anything," Voight shrugs. "This one is on you," he nods, walking back into the family waiting room they were just in.

Jay doesn't know what he's talking about but he's sure it has something to do with Bunny being a piece of shit mother, so he follows his sergeant. He's heard enough stories from Erin and Hank to know that she never deserved the title in the first place.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Bunny demands, following them into the room as Voight nods at Jay to close the door behind her.

"When Erin was sixteen, she had to have an emergency appendectomy. But she was a minor and you," Hank points an accusatory finger at her, "were nowhere to be found, so no one could consent to the surgery. So I'm calling around the city, trying to get a judge to grant me emergency custody at two in the morning, and Erin's laying there – just screaming she's in so much pain. I had to call in a million favors that night so MY child didn't die from appendicitis!" He finishes with a yell.

Jay's not sure if he's ever hated someone as much as he hates Bunny right now. How anyone could abandon Erin, much less her own mother, is completely beyond him.

As far as he's concerned, Erin is the reason that the sun comes up each day. She's the reason the stars come out at night. She's the strongest person he's ever met and he knows he wouldn't be half the man he is without her. The fact that this horrid woman gets to call herself Erin's mother is enough to push him over the edge.

Bunny looks like she's about to say something, but he interrupts her."I think you should go," he says, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes. He's ready to fight if it comes to that.

She looks at both Jay and Hank with disdain before turning around and slamming the door on her way out.

* * *

 **9:30am**

"I don't know how you haven't dumped Bunny in the river yet," Jay comments, interrupting the silence.

Visiting hours have started in the ICU so they're in Erin's room, resuming their previous positions from earlier that morning. Hank sits on her left side; Jay sits on her right.

"After fifteen years, the thought has crossed my mind a few times," Voight replies with a shake of his head. "She's only come around twice before this, but it's always just enough to send Erin into a spiral."

Jay rubs his forehead. "I just don't get it. How could anyone not love her unconditionally?"

It's silent for a few beats and immediately he's realized his mistake.

 _Shit_ … _He said that out loud._

He's about to blame it on the lack of sleep and the traumatic events of the last twelve hours when his sergeant speaks.

"Do you?" Voight asks.

His face is blank and incredibly hard to read, so Jay aims for plausible deniability when he answers. "I… I don't know what you're talking about, sir."

Just when he thinks that Erin's Dad is about to murder him, right there in the middle of the Intensive Care Unit, Voight laughs. Like really laughs, before pointing at him from across Erin's bed.

"You're a horrible liar."

* * *

 **11:24am**

Will comes by to check on Erin, but is unusually silent.

"What is it?" Jay asks, concern written on his face.

His brother shakes his head. "Her white blood cell count is pretty high. Nothing too concerning, but it just means she's fighting an infection. We'll get her started on some IV antibiotics now and watch the infection site closely."

Neither Jay nor Hank have the energy or the words to say anything in response.

"Hey," Will says from the end of Erin's bed, catching their attention. "I've seen a lot weaker people come back from worse. Just talk to her. Tell her you're here. Tell her to come back and fight."

"And that works?" Voight asks doubtfully.

"There's no science saying that it doesn't," Will shrugs and leaves the room.

* * *

 **12:05pm**

Jay has been mostly silent, trying to figure out what to say to Erin.

 _Hi._  
 _I love you._  
 _Please wake up._

All of which seem entirely too embarrassing and cliché to say in front of his boss.

He's assuming that Voight has been doing the same for the last half hour, but he gets up from his chair as if he's reading Jay's mind and heads toward the doors of the room.

Jay shoots him a questioning glance. He swears he sees a tear in Hank's eye, but doesn't acknowledge it.

"I ain't talking," he says as he pulls open the door. "I'll be back."

Jay lets out a sigh as the door clicks shut and pulls his chair closer to the bed.

"Hey," he whispers, almost afraid to wake his sleeping beauty. He could (easily, gladly, willingly) look at her all day.

"I know you're asleep so you probably can't hear me, but if there's even a chance, I need you to listen." He takes her delicate hand in his, gently so he doesn't break her. "You have to come back to me, okay? I know it's been hard since Nadia... I know–, I know you've been having a rough time and it might be easier to just give up. But you have to stay, Er. I don't know that to do without you."

He swallows a lump in his throat and blinks back tears in his eyes.

"You have to stay and fight."

* * *

 **2:16pm**

"… And the Hawks lost to the Ducks, 1 to 2," Jay reads.

Nothing has changed in the last two hours. He's still in the same chair and Erin's still in the same bed and Voight's still wherever the hell he went. But there's only so much waiting he can handle so he's been reading to her from his phone for a while.

"We'll beat Anaheim in game four, though," he sighs, putting his phone down and grabbing her hand.

He spent a lot of time waiting around when he was in the army, and even more time waiting around when he was in Afghanistan. So if he's honest, he's gotten pretty good at it. He used to count to pass the time; cracks in the walls, lights in the ceiling, stars in the sky.

So he counts her.

He counts the thin, pink scars on her forearm from when she broke it the summer before they were partnered together.  
( _Four_ )

He counts the freckles on her face. Even the ones that are dusted across her cheeks ever so lightly that you'd probably miss them.  
( _Seventeen_ )

He's in the middle of counting the number of breaths the machine is giving her when Voight walks in.  
( _Forty-seven_ )

"Halstead," Hank acknowledges with a nod. "How's she doing?"

"No change. Where'd you run off to?" Jay asks.

Voight says nothing. Instead he moves to sit back in his previous seat from over an hour ago and gives Jay a death glare. "I had to take care of something."

"Ah. Roland?" Jay replies, not really wanting to know the answer. The look he receives in return confirms that his boss won't talk about it. "Sorry, Sarge. Forget I asked."

It's silent for a while, but Hank finally speaks. "Roland is being held at the Cook County Jail until trial. The DA thinks he'll get 25 to life for the Attempted Murder of a CPD Detective."

"I thought…" Jay trails off.

"I know what you thought," Voight interrupts him. "Believe me, I wanted to."

* * *

 **3:45pm**

"Sarge, about the whole 'husband' mix up this morning. I have no idea how they got that, but I swear I had nothing to do with it."

"I know," Voight nods, looking him directly in the eye. "I did."

What.

"Sir, I don't…" Jay tries to find a way to put it in words, but he can't.

Hank Voight, sergeant and resident father figure to one Erin Lindsay, willingly told the hospital staff that Jay was her husband? This has to be some kind of dream or stroke or something because there would never be a world in which this could happen.

"I knew they wouldn't allow anyone who isn't family up here, and you made it clear that you weren't going home. All I said was that you were her partner. It's not my fault if they assumed life partner," Hank says with a shrug.

"Thank you," Jay says sincerely. "Seriously, thank you, Sarge."

He wants to say more but Will comes in and interrupts the weird, slightly emotional moment.

"How's our girl doing?" Will asks, checking the charts and machines.

"I don't know. I thought you were the doctor," Jay replies with an eye roll. He's running on about thirty minutes of sleep and his brother is entirely too peppy for his liking.

"Has he slept?" Will turns to Voight for confirmation.

"Nope. Refuses to go home."

Jay closes his eyes and leans back into the chair, trying desperately to ignore his boss and his brother teaming up against him. He would've succeeded, too, if Will hadn't started talking about Erin's condition.

"Well, the infection seems to be responding to the antibiotics," Will reads from her chart. "Erin's white count is much lower now. Her oxygen sats look good. Great, even. She seems to be fighting the respirator."

"What does that mean?" Jay asks, not quite understanding the medical terminology on account of his lack of sleep.

"It means she's waking up."

* * *

 **A/N** : So there you have it! Sorry if you felt that this was long and slow – I sure did. I've spent a lot of time waiting in hospitals, and unfortunately the timeline is pretty accurate in my point of view. There will be a third chapter (possibly even a fourth), but I will be out of the country for the majority of June. That being said, I have NO idea how I'll update from Africa. I won't have my computer but I will have WiFi, so if you leave reviews and messages, I promise to get back to you. Thank you so much to everyone who followed, favorited and left kind reviews!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Many, many apologies for the world's longest wait. Thank you for all the kind reviews and thank you to all of you who have stuck with me this far!  
Tanzania was absolutely gorgeous/wonderful/magical/perfect. If you ever get the chance to go there - say yes and don't even think twice. Asante to my one Tanzanian reader. Please leave a review so I can tell you how much I love your beautiful country. Anyway, enough about my amazing African adventure. Here it is!

* * *

 _"Cause what about, what about angels?  
They will come, they will go.  
Make us special.  
Don't give me up."  
Not About Angels - Birdy_

* * *

 **5:18pm**

The first thing Erin is immediately aware of is the white-hot pain searing through her left shoulder. She lets out a groan but it gets stuck in her throat.

"Erin?" a familiar voice asks.

She opens her eyes to see Hank's looking back at hers.

"Oh God… Am I in hell?" Her voice rasps. It comes out strangled and hurts a little, so Hank passes her a water bottle from the bedside table.

"Glad to see you're still a smart ass," Hank smiles and grabs her hand. "How you feeling, Kid?"

"Like I got shot," she groans. Her throat and voice feel better now, but her shoulder and lungs burn.

He's quiet for a beat – like he wants to say something more, but then simply nods his head. "I'll go get your doctor," he stands but pauses before letting her hand go. "Don't do that to me again, Erin."

She swears she sees a tear in his eyes, but just smiles and rolls her eyes. "I'll try. But the next time I get shot by some rogue cops, they better not be from the suburbs."

Hank lets a small smile slip, but she knows it's because he's just trying to compose himself.

It's then that she notices the slumped figure, passed out in the chair to her right. "How long has he been here?" She asks, nodding her head toward Jay.

"Since they brought you in last night. I tried to make him go home, but he's just as stubborn as you. He's been out since they removed your breathing tube a little while ago," Voight says as he heads for the door. "Oh and I may have implied that he was more than just your partner so they'd let him stay up here."

"And what does that mean?" She questions with as much sass as she can manage. For God's sake, she was shot. There's only so much she can do.

"The nurses think he's your husband."

Her jaw drops as Hank turns with a small smile to open the door, but she stops him before he can get too far. "Dad?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you," she says sincerely.

* * *

 **5:28pm**

The door closing shut wakes Jay with a start. She watches him blink his eyes a few times before he focuses in on her.

"Hey hubby," she smiles and reaches her good arm out toward him.

"Jesus, Erin," he breathes, standing to catch her hand in both of his.

"I told those Jackson Park assholes 'fleshy part of the thigh,' but they had to go and pick shoulder," she jokes, remembering their conversation from months ago.

 _I'd take a bullet just to come over to your house tonight._

He smiles a little at that, pushing back her hair with a free hand. "I think there are other ways to be together. Better ways to get Voight's approval."

"Knowing him, probably not," she shakes her head. She knows that the husband conversation she just had with her father proves her statement to be mostly untrue, but she won't tell Jay that.

"I'm so glad you're okay," Jay whispers. His voice comes out a little shaky and she's pretty sure he's trying not to cry. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

She grins, attempting to lighten the mood. "What a shame you won't ever have to find out."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," She says, pulling his hand toward her, weakly trying to move him closer to her. "So what's a girl gotta do around here to get a kiss?"

"But Hank-" he starts, but she interrupts him and pulls him by his shirt.

"I don't want to talk about Hank."

His lips are just about to touch hers when the man in question walks in with Will Halstead.

"What about Hank?" Voight asks, crossing his arms and standing near the foot of the bed.

Jay tries to move back from their compromising position but Erin still has him by the front of his shirt.

"I took your damn bullet," she narrows her eyes at her father. "I do what I want now."

She pulls Jay in for a kiss, but keeps it short because her shoulder is aching and her lungs are screaming in pain. Whatever they had her on is definitely wearing off.

"Alright, enough," Will smiles, pushing Jay away from her. "Let me check her out."

"Ooh," Erin winks, "Two Halstead's in one day? I take that back, Hank. This must be heaven."

Will laughs. "Glad you're back, Erin."

"Yeah, can we do something about this?" She asks, pointing to her wound with her good arm. "Cause right now it feels like there's a hole in my shoulder."

Will hands her a small button attached to the morphine. "Just push this when your pain level gets high. The machine won't let you have too much, so don't worry."

She pushes it five times because she's pretty sure she's dying.

"You can push it a hundred times, if you want. But you're still getting the same amount of painkillers."

She groans, leaning her head back into the pillows and waiting for the medicine to kick in.

"I also wanted to speak to you about your blood work," Will says to her, quickly shifting his eyes toward Voight and then back to her.

Erin's pretty sure she knows what this is about. She wants to tell Hank and Jay to leave, but she knows that it will be more of a fight than she has the energy for. So she closes her eyes and nods to Will.

"Erin, we found a moderate level of Oxycodone in your system last night," he begins.

Her eyes snap to Hank's disappointed face, and then to Jay's surprised face. Yep. This is exactly what she thought it was about and now she regrets not making the other two leave.

"We managed to pump most of it out, but I have to ask… Are you abusing prescription medication?"

She wants to say no but the morphine is making everything fuzzy and she can't get the look on her dad's face out of her head. Instead, she looks at Hank and whispers, "I'm sorry."

She's thankful that Will doesn't say anything. He just nods and notes something in her file. "I'll be back later to check your infection site. Get some rest, okay?"

As Will heads out the door, both Jay and Hank's eyes fall on her.

"You both can yell at me later, but these drugs are kicking in and I can't keep my eyes open anymore," she closes her eyes and sighs.

* * *

 **7:36pm**

Her shoulder wakes her up when she tries to roll over in her sleep. Her eyes snap open and her good hand involuntarily reaches up to cradle her aching chest.

"Ow, FUCK," she grits out.

"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" Jay asks from his chair next to her bed.

"No," she reaches for the button that controls the pain medicine as she answers him with a pout. "But if you're not nice to me, I won't kiss you either."

She knows that she shouldn't be saying things like that to him after all this time apart, but the drugs are making her a little foggy and a bit loopy and she can't help it. He's here and she's alive and she thinks she might just have to keep him forever.

"You're a pretty smooth talker for a girl on drugs," he smiles but it instantly falls the second he realizes what he's said.

She knows he was really referring to the fact that she's on a significant amount of morphine due to the gaping bullet hole in her shoulder, but the reality of her previous admission sets in for both of them.

She is on drugs. She was on drugs. Real drugs. Illegal drugs.

She slipped and Jay knows.

"I'm sorry I-" she starts but he interrupts her.

"Hey, you don't owe me any explanations or apologies," he says, taking her hand and moving to sit on the edge of the bed.

"I'm just so stupid," she sighs and shakes her head.

She's stupid for turning to Bunny. She's stupid for turning to drugs. She's probably even stupid for letting Jay go without a fight.

"You're not stupid, okay," he says gently but she looks down at her hands instead. She can't stand to look at him and the immediate forgiveness in his beautiful blue eyes. "If you're looking for a lecture or an 'I-told-you-so', you won't get either from me. But Erin," he moves his hand to lift her chin so she has nowhere else to look but him. "You're allowed to make mistakes."

She wants to scream and cry because he's so perfect that it makes her angry. He doesn't deserve to be brought down by her and all of her baggage.

"Jay, I'm bad news," she whispers as a tear falls down her cheek. He moves his hand to cup her cheek and wipes it away.

"You're not. You're hurt and you're sad, but you're not 'bad news', Erin."

She shakes her head, trying to free his hand from her face. "I'm a fucking mess."

He stares into her eyes and a strange look crosses his face. She can't exactly place it but she thinks he might love her.

"You are the strongest person I've ever met, but you don't always have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders," he rasps quietly and brushes a stray tear from the corner of her eye. "You're allowed to be human."

* * *

 **8:44pm**

She wakes up again when she hears Hank and Jay arguing.

"I said get out, Halstead."

"Sir, I'm not leaving until she kicks me out."

She's more irritated than anything at the apparent power struggle happening in her hospital room. She's also pissed that she was pulled from sleep yet again. "Can you two do this somewhere else?"

"Oh good. You're awake," Hank says sarcastically.

She knows the morphine makes her cranky but her shoulder is absolutely killing her, so pushes the medication button again. It's probably not a smart idea to be loading up on more narcotics while coming down from Oxy but she can't find it in her to care.

"Are you here to yell at me?" She asks, rolling her eyes. "Cause I really don't want to hear it."

"Well I really don't care," he crosses his arms and widens his stance. "I thought we were past this. You were clean for years, Erin. Years. And you just throw it all away for nothing? What's gotten into you?"

She's about to respond when Jay cuts in. "Hank, just lay off."

She's thankful that he's on her side, but Voight's anger just gets redirected to him.

"And you," he points at Jay. "Did I or did I not tell you to stay away from her?"

"Leave him out of this!" Erin adds.

"When I said no in house romances, I meant it."

"Fine," she spits, trying to cross her arms but failing on account of her fucking bullet wound. "I quit then."

Hank's eyes narrow at her from the end of the bed. "You're being unreasonable, Erin."

"And you're being an ass!"

"I'll be back tomorrow."

"Don't bother," she growls.

"I'll be back tomorrow," he repeats, this time louder and stronger. She guesses he's leaving no room for debate but it just makes her want to fight him even more.

They're both too damn stubborn for their own good.

"Don't fucking bother," she shouts but her stupid fucking dad shuts the stupid fucking door before she can even say anything to his stupid fucking face.

It's quiet for a while and she can't decide if she wants to cry or punch something.

"Er," Jay's quiet voice comes from her side and she immediately bursts into tears.

She wants to blame it on the morphine or the oxy but the tears keep coming and she can't hold them back.

"Er, you can't quit," he says as he grabs her hand.

"I took his goddamn bullet," she chokes out angrily through her tears.

"He was just worried. We both were."

His voice cracks with every sentence and it just makes her cry harder. There's a bullet sized hole in her shoulder and a Jay sized hole in her heart. And Nadia is still dead.

So she cries into his chest until she can't bring herself to care about being the strong one anymore.

"I took his bullet."

* * *

 **A/N:** So this one seems shorter, but I promise it's not by much. I think it feels this way because the time spent in each moment is a lot longer now that she's awake. Hopefully you liked it! There will be at least one more chapter, but I've decided not to put an official end to it quite yet. Just in case I feel inspired to write more. :)  
PS: Leave a review if you'd like a virtual present from Tanzania, or if you just want to hear me gush about my amazing trip.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thank you so much to all of you who have favorited and followed and reviewed! I would apologize for the repeated use of the word 'fuck', but Erin is in a dark place right now and I'm not really sorry at all.

* * *

 **6:13am**

Erin wakes on her own for the first time since she's entered the hospital. She thinks should be happy about that but instead she just feels exhausted.

Not only did she cry herself to sleep, but she was woken to be poked and prodded every two hours throughout the night. It was making her hate hospitals more and more every second.

It's also the first time she's really been left alone since she's woken up.

She forced Jay to go home sometime around midnight. The nurses offered to let her "husband" stay with her, but she demanded he get some much needed rest.

And he really needed it.

She could tell he was dead on his feet; the adrenaline rush of the previous night long gone. Jay, as sweet and a wonderful as he was, would've stayed with her all night long – wide awake.

So as much as she didn't want to be left alone in another God-forsaken hospital, she smiled and kissed him softly as he promised to be back first thing in the morning.

The door clicks open and she secretly hopes it's Halstead.

It is, technically, but not her Halstead.

"Hey, I didn't mean to wake you up," Will says quietly.

"You didn't," she shrugs. "You looking for your brother?"

"No, but now that you mention it, I haven't seen him around."

"I sent him home a while ago," she says with a roll of her eyes, hoping to disguise the fact that she felt completely empty without him. "He was getting cranky and there's not enough morphine in the world to make me handle that."

"Yeah," Will smiles knowingly. "No sleep and no coffee makes Jay a total asshole."

She knows this from experience. She's spent many early mornings in the break room and many late nights on the clock with a grumpy Jay. If he didn't get at least six hours of sleep and two cups of coffee, he was fucked and everyone around him was, too.

It's weird, she thinks, to know something about Jay. He's insanely private. She has to drag things out of him, usually kicking and screaming and pissing her off in the process. Although she can't really complain because she's more guarded than he is. But for once she knows something that his brother knows and for now that's alright.

"I actually came to tell you that we're going to move you down into general admittance," Will smiles, breaking the silence.

"Oh. Is that good?" She asks warily. She thinks that maybe they're moving her to the drug unit with the crackheads and the junkies. Or maybe they're moving her to the psych ward with the crazies.

"Very. You're no longer considered Critical. Plus the nurses up here are afraid of Hank Voight," he finishes with a smirk.

Will's got her thinking about Hank now though, and how they blew up at each other and she told him to get lost. And now Jay is gone and she knows that she's thirty years old but she's just doesn't want to be alone.

"Can you tell Jay? I don't want him to come up here to find me gone. He'll probably think I've been kidnapped and then all of SWAT will be up here, just crowding the hallways and freaking everyone out while I'm just chilling downstairs because his brother, the doctor, didn't call a-"

"You're good for him," Will interrupts her rant.

What.

She's a drunk and a user. She's a street kid. She's got a junkie mom and a dad in jail. She's one second from completely fucking losing it. She's a lot of things but she is NOT good for Jay Halstead.

"No," she sighs sadly. "He's the one that's good for me. I just make his life harder."

Will just shakes his head at her. Like she's a child that can't possibly understand how the universe works.

"Erin, you make his life better."

* * *

 **7:57am**

They finally get her moved down to general admittance and Will introduces her to Dr. Holden, the attending physician on this floor. The woman seems nice enough, but she's not a Halstead.

Will senses as much.

"I'll be around later," he says with his damn Halstead smile that's just not quite right. It makes her heart ache for Jay.

He leaves the room as Dr. Holden speaks.

"Erin, I'd like for you to talk to our psychiatrist before we make any decisions about how to proceed from here."

Well fuck.

She hates psychiatrists and psychologists and therapists; hates them all. It's not that she thinks that what they do isn't valid, but she doesn't like them doing their mind reading shit on her.

She's silent. She's too tired to fight.

"I spoke to Dr. Halstead about your current condition," the doctor continues.

Erin rolls her eyes at that. Great.

"I can assure you that your case will be handled with discretion. But it seems to me that a lot more is going on here than just simple prescription abuse," Dr. Holden speaks kindly.

If she were feeling better, she'd tell the doc to get lost. If she were feeling normal, she'd tell her to mind her own damn business. But Erin hasn't been feeling right lately. She's been off for a while now.

"Your file says that you've struggled with addiction in the past, but I'd much rather see where you're at now before recommending you for any inpatient rehabilitation treatment."

She thinks to argue but knows that she's probably getting off easier than she should. So instead she just nods at her doctor who promptly exits the room and leaves her in silence.

* * *

 **8:19am**

She wakes up when she feels someone in the room with her. It's a survival instinct she had to develop that's never quite gone away.

For a moment, all she feels is sheer terror. It brings her back to a time when she had to constantly keep her guard up. When she couldn't trust anyone to watch her back. When she was just a kid.

The heart monitor calms down when she opens her eyes to see Halstead staring back at her. Her Halstead this time.

"You okay?" The concern is evident in his voice. Like he just watched her have a mini heart attack and she might have another one at any moment.

She just nods, not really wanting or even knowing how to explain herself.

She just feels wrong today. Maybe it's the stress of the last few weeks or the fact that she was fucking shot not too long ago. Maybe it's the medicines they've got her on or the drugs they've got her off. But something is just off and she can't pinpoint what exactly it is.

"Did you sleep well?" He tries again.

She shakes her head, 'no'.

Just when Erin thinks she's pushed him away for good, he grabs her hand from his seat and laces his fingers with hers.

God bless Jay Halstead.

"Talk to me, Er," he sighs quietly.

He's a fucking martyr and deserves someone who's not such a total fuck up. But Will's words are ringing in her head.

"Do I make your life better?" She asks in a moment of weakness. Her voice is a little raspy and shaky after not speaking for much of the morning already.

He looks confused. Dumbfounded even. Like he can't quite understand what she's saying or even what language she's speaking.

"Cause I'm pretty sure that I just make your life worse," she says down to her hands in her lap.

"Of course you make my life better. You make everything better. How could you possibly think that?"

She scoffs a little at his statement. "I've been stringing you along for months now and treating you like shit. Not to mention that I've gotten you in trouble with Hank more than once."

"If I can handle Hank Voight, what makes you think I can't handle you?" He says and she swears his grin actually lights up the whole room. "Erin, you can't scare me away."

He makes her feel a little better about this whole situation but she still thinks he's pretty dumb for getting into whatever the hell this is with her. "Don't say I didn't warn you when I fuck this all up and everything goes to shit."

"You let me worry about that," he smiles and presses a kiss to the back of her hand.

* * *

 **8:46am**

Erin's been quiet for a while now. Not sleeping, just thinking.

Thinking about Nadia and Oxy and how the hell she ended up here with a bullet hole in her shoulder and Jay's hand in hers.

There's so much shit going on and really all she wants is for Hank to tell her everything is going to be okay. But he can't and he won't because she basically told him to fuck off.

"Hey, what's going on in that head of yours?" Jay asks. She wonders how he knows what she's thinking but it's then that she realizes her death-grip on his poor unsuspecting hand.

"He's not coming back," she sighs, untangling her hand from his.

"He's coming back."

"He's not," she argues. She wonders if he even knows who she's talking about.

"Er, he's your dad. He's not just going to leave you in a hospital alone," he says as he rolls his eyes.

She crosses her arms and pouts. "I'm thirty years old! I'm an adult!" It was supposed to sound mature and reasonable but she knows it just comes out like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

Jay just laughs and says, "Does he know that?"

"And he's not my dad," she adds.

"Uh-huh. Sure."

"I'm just some street kid he got stuck with for longer than he intended."

Jay goes silent and for a second she thinks she might have offended him for some reason. He shakes his head before he speaks.

"When we found out they were coming for you… Er, I don't think I've ever seen someone so scared in my life. He dropped the two guys in your apartment the second we kicked in the door. Roland is sitting in Cook County on a million dollar bond and an attempted murder charge. There's nothing that Voight wouldn't have done to make sure you were okay."

She didn't know that. She didn't know any of it. The last memory she really has of that night is actually being shot. And it's not like the two most overprotective people she's ever met would actually keep her up speed without her demanding it.

Erin doesn't even realize she's crying until he reaches up to swipe away a tear.

"He's coming," he whispers.

"How do you know that?" She tries to wipe her face but more tears keep coming.

"Because I called him."

Well, fuck.

* * *

 **9:02am**

"Hey," a gruff voice sounds as the door opens.

Erin doesn't bother to turn her head around to see who it is because she knows immediately and she doesn't want to speak to him.

"I'll be back," Jay says, standing up. He kisses her on the top of the head before shaking the other man's hand and heading out the door.

Great. They're awfully chummy now and she thinks that something might have happened but she's more irritated that Jay has left her to fight this battle on her own.

"Kid," Hank tries again, this time walking around the bed and into her line of view.

"I thought I told you not to come back."

"Oh, so I take orders from you now. Is that how this works?" He grins sarcastically, but it only seems to irritate her more.

She feels like a teenager again, getting scolded for talking back and she remembers why she was so mad at him in the first place.

"I want to talk to you," Hank says, sitting down in the chair next to her bed. He's quiet. Almost too quiet and he looks a little bit defeated.

"Fine."

She wants to say something snarky like, 'I don't want to talk to you' or 'you've said enough' but she doesn't. Not after the conversation she'd just had with Jay about the lengths this man would go to just to save her. So she sits and waits for him to continue.

"The first time I brought you here, you were fifteen," he says, rubbing a hand across his tired eyes. "I responded to a noise complaint and there you were, OD'd on the floor."

"And then I moved in," she finishes for him. She knows the story. She lived it.

"You were unconscious for two days, Erin. You flat-lined. They didn't think that you were gonna make it. You were medically dead for a minute and forty seven seconds."

She never knew that part of the story.

"And you," Hank continues, "laying in this hospital bed, again… On the pills, again… It brought me back fifteen years."

"I'm not a kid anymore," she says softly. She doesn't want to start a fight but she also needs him to know that she's not the same fucked up girl that he found all those years ago.

"No, but you're still my kid. And the last time someone I love was in here…" He trails off, but she knows where he was going.

Her face immediately softens and her heart hurts a little because she was definitely not expecting her dad to talk about her mom – not her birth mother, but her real mom.

"I don't always get this parenting thing right. You know, with Justin I know what to do. Kid screws up, I start yelling. It usually works. But with you… That was always Camille's job. She'd know what to do right now."

She thinks for a minute that she might cry because her dad is so annoyingly sweet. It's a rare moment for him to admit defeat, especially when it comes to his children.

All of her previous anger disappears.

"What would Camille do?"

Hank looks at her as if he's surprised that she's not throwing a fit or being a brat. Like he expects her to act fifteen and not thirty.

"Seriously. What would Mom do?"

He's quiet for a little while and she's not sure he'll even answer her.

"She'd talk to you. And hug you. And then ground you."

He's totally right. Hank was all tough love, but Camille was the one to love tough.

"So do it."

It's a deliberate challenge because she knows him; knows he's never been one to back down.

He sighs before moving to sit on the edge of her bed. "Start from the beginning."

It was Camille's signature line. Every time Erin fucked up, her mom always asked her to tell her everything from the beginning. No anger; no judgement.

God, she misses Camille. She misses her mom.

Her real mom. The mom that kissed her goodnight and held her when she cried. The mom that made her birthday cakes and hung her report cards on the fridge. The mom that took her in and loved her when she didn't even have to; when the woman that gave birth to her wouldn't.

Erin is so fucking tired of losing people.

"Nadia died," she spits out angrily. "Nadia was fucking murdered and it was my fault. I got her killed and I don't want to hear whatever bullshit you're about to say otherwise."

Hank just nods and she's not sure if he's acknowledging that she's wrong or right. Or maybe he just wants her to keep going.

"Then Bunny happened and I ran into some people from the old neighborhood and it got out of control pretty fast," she sniffles, wiping a traitorous tear from her cheek. "I just wanted to be numb."

He's quiet.

She knows he's mad but what hurts more is his disappointment.

Even fifteen years later, Erin still isn't used to having someone care enough to be disappointed in her. To have someone who really, genuinely believes that she can do better. Before she has time to really think about how weird and sad it is, Hank interrupts her thoughts.

"And is it working?"

"Is what working..."

"Being numb. The drinking, the drugs. Do they make the pain go away?" He asks.

Every damn time she wished and hoped and prayed that this drug or this drink or this pill would stop it. But it didn't. Every pill bottle emptied and every beer can crushed never stopped the agonizing heartbreak she felt. Sure, a total blackout dulled the ache every once in a while, but that didn't stop the immense pain from returning when she woke up the next morning.

So Erin just shakes her head 'no', silently, because he's right and she doesn't want to admit it.

"It never works," he sighs softly. "When Camille… When your Mom passed, you had just started at the academy and Justin was still in high school, messing around and getting in trouble. Neither of you were around much."

Erin starts to interrupt to defend herself but Hank holds a hand up to stop her.

"And then I wasn't around much. The house was so empty and I couldn't turn a corner without seeing some piece of her there. I tried to handle it on my own. Drank too much, worked too much. Pretty soon I've got a kid in jail and a dirty reputation."

Erin reaches out her good arm to hold his hand.

"But nothing I did could ever take away the pain of missing her."

She's stunned. He doesn't talk about Camille much, and when he does it's a happy little anecdote about how much she would've loved this. "Dad I – I never knew. I'm so sorry."

"Kiddo, you have nothing to be sorry for. You were in the academy. You called every damn day and came over whenever you got a second off. You did more than enough when you didn't have to."

"So did you," she smiles, trying to blink away more tears. "Even now, and you still don't have to."

"I mean it, Erin. You're about the best thing that's ever happened to me," he says as he squeezes her hand.

She's feeling way too emotional right now so she quickly changes the subject before she starts bawling her fucking eyes out.

"Well since I'm an adult and you can't ground me," she starts but is quickly interrupted.

"Hey I know you're thirty, but you're still my kid. I can and will ground you."

She's thankful he doesn't mention anything about her abrupt subject change and thinks that maybe he's grateful for it, too.

"Oh come on!"

"Is this what Mom would do?" He crosses his arms and resumes his 'Dad Stance' that he's perfected over the years.

Erin rolls her eyes and sighs, "yes."

"Then you're moving back home."

"What? For how long?" She groans.

"Until your apartment is no longer a crime scene, until your shoulder heals up, and until I say so," he lists.

"For how long, Hank?"

"Indefinitely."

* * *

 _"It's not about,_  
 _not about angels,_  
 _angels."_  
 _Not About Angels – Birdy  
_

* * *

 _ **End.  
**_

* * *

 _ ****_A/N: So that's it. I really like this ending. Because although everything is obviously not okay, it's clear that one day (hopefully soon) it will be. I also like the idea that the lyrics at the end kind of speak for the whole story and tie it all together.  
I just don't have the time to keep up with a multi-chapter WIP when University starts back up again. But never fear, friends – It's not over forever. I'll be posting a few short little one shots to this whenever I get a chance or when I get inspired. I just wanted to have a definitive ending point in case I never get back to it. But there are at least two or three small moments in this universe that I'd love to get out.

Thank you again to all of you wonderful humans out there for reading and loving this as much as I did! xx


End file.
